Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I loved watching Mitch Hedberg on Comedy Central. He is a comedian who lived a too short life. I think there really is something about that old Smoky Robinson and the Miracles’ song about the “Tears of a Clown” because there have been way too many great comedians who had too many tears underneath their clown’s mask.

But here are some of Mitch’s funny, funny lines that I hope you also will like as well.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

I played golf…I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That’s more satisfying.  From Google

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.

Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too literal for me.

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means… it’s dirty.

All quotes, except for the one attributed to Google, are from Brainy Quote

I want to get a vending machine with fun-size candy bars, where the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late. Requoted from Reader’s Digest, August 2013 issue, page 137.

mitch hedberg


About jeneanecommonplacebook

What Is a Commonplace Book? A commonplace book is someone’s personal collection of quotes, witticisms, observances, poems, and even graffiti that have inspired them, made them laugh or touched them in some way. Many famous people throughout history have had commonplace books, such as Thomas Jefferson, John Milton, Mark Twain, Henry David Thoreau, and the scientist, Carl Linnaeus. I began my commonplace books while I was in junior high school in the early 1970’s and so I have almost 50 years of quotes about such a wide variety of topics told in ways more eloquent, wise or humorous than anything I could ever come up with. And it’s wonderful that in this type of blog, I can also include some of my favorite artists and their artwork as well. I'm almost 60 years old with a daughter, 3 granddaughters, and a kitty-cat. I live in beautiful Bay City, MI. I have 2 associate degrees with additional college credits and hopefully I will be able to complete my goal of obtaining my Bachelor's Degree in Accounting. (Life keeps getting in the way). I enjoy literature, horse racing, baseball, NFL football, The Olympics, astronomy, history (particularly Irish), art, old movies, Downton Abbey, The Good Wife, Unit One, science, The Beatles, Frank Sinatra, U2, The Doors, oh and so much more! I have very eclectic and prolific interests. If you would like to check out my personal writings, please go to
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